In Lieu of Her
by Shira Lansys
Summary: It's always hardest to forgive yourself. It's even harder when you can't see any way of having done it differently. RoseScor, ScorAl. Oneshot.


_Terminal… Incurable… Four months… _The words are spiders, spinning their fine threads around her, cocooning her gently and trapping in her own mind. She needs to take them in before she can face the world.

Her parents sit beside her, stunned. She doesn't think she's ever seen them so speechless – or so pale.

"Can't you do something?" her mother begs, breaking the silence that has descended upon them all.

"I'm afraid not," the Healer says sombrely. "There's nothing we can do."

* * *

"I don't want anyone to know," she tells her parents when they get home.

Hermione frowns at her through her tears. "Sweetie, they have a right to be told," she says.

"They can know," Rose says, "right at the end. Don't I have a right to choose?"

"Of course, darling." That's her father. Rose has never seen him cry before, but he is now, unashamedly. "Whatever you want."

Rose knows that as soon as she goes to bed that night, they'll floo to Uncle Harry's and Aunt Ginny's. She doesn't mind them knowing; her parents need support too. But she doesn't want to be treated like porcelain for the next four months. She might be dying, but she wants to spend her remaining time feeling alive.

* * *

"Why do you keep disappearing?" Albus asks Rose one day. She's looking awfully pale, and she'd been spending a lot of time in the Hospital Wing. "And don't try and lie. I saw the postcard that fell out of your bag – it was from Egypt. Where are you going?"

To his surprise, Rose laughs. "Don't be so paranoid, Asp," she teases him. "You make it sound like I'm sneaking away in the dead of night."

"Stop calling me that," he says, annoyed at the stupid nickname she insists on calling him. "Just because it's what my initials spell out…"

"It's a good nickname," Rose interrupts. "It sounds cool. Stop being so offended by it. And I've been going to different countries to look at Wizarding Universities. There are only a few of them worldwide, and they're really elite, but Professor Leighton reckons I have a chance. Mum and Dad have been taking me to look at which ones I can apply for."

"Oh," Albus says sheepishly. Of course, if anyone stood a chance of going to university, it would be the studious and fiercely intelligent Rose. "Found any good ones?"

"It's really hard to decide," Rose says. Albus can't help noticing that her smile is tighter than it usually would be. "It's such a huge decision. Anyway, I've got to go. I'll talk to you later."

He looks for her that night, but Alice tells him that she wasn't feeling well and had gone to the Hospital Wing for a pepper-up potion.

* * *

"You look shocking, Rose," Scorpius comments across the breakfast table about a week later.

Rose smiles tiredly at him. "I'm fine," she says.

Scorpius isn't technically a Gryffindor – actually, he isn't a Gryffindor at all, whether you're technical about it or not. He was sorted a Slytherin, and has remained so ever since he started Hogwarts. But ever since he and Al had formed a firm, unbreakable friendship in their first week, he developed a tendency to spend half his days eating at their table.

The other days, of course, were the ones where Albus was eating with the snakes.

"You don't look it," he tells her, a little worried. "Are you sure you aren't sickening for something?"

"Honestly, it's fine," Rose says. "Are you almost finished eating? We have Arithmancy next."

"Fine, fine," he says, pushing himself away from the table. "Gee, you'd think I'd at least be allowed to finish my breakfast."

Rose bends down to pick up her shoulder bag. A clear look of dismay crosses her face when she can't seem to manage it. She heaves at it, but is too weak to lift it from the floor. When she lets go of the handle, Scorpius notices her hands are shaking.

Scorpius watches her, the worry on his face plain to see. When she looks his way, though, he wipes it blank instantly. Without saying a word, he reaches down for her bag. "Would Milady like me to carry her bag," he says, bowing gallantly. He even manages a small, teasing smile.

Rose wipes the fear from her face and smiles back in kind. "How chivalrous," she says.

She's hiding something, Scorpius knows.

* * *

Scorpius starts paying closer attention to Rose, and she notices it. She's bright; it's impossible for her to miss the fact that he's suddenly spending an extraordinary amount of time alone in the library. He's talking to her more, now, and… is it just her, or is he making a point of walking to class with her?

"I think maybe he likes you," Alice whispers to Rose conspiratorially to her under the cover of Binn's droning voice.

"Who?" Rose says, playing dumb, although her heart's racing and she can feel the warmth spreading to her cheeks. She'd been wondering the same thing herself… but she was afraid of the answer.

"Scorpius, silly," Alice giggles.

"Really?" Rose says. "Nah, we're just friends." _Aren't we_? She wants to add, but that would be a giveaway.

"He's been spending a lot of time with you," Alice points out. "He hardly talks to other girls."

"Hm," Rose says non-committedly, but her insides are leaping with joy. She'd never had a boyfriend before; she'd always focussed on her studies more. That, and the fact that most of the boys she hung around with were her cousins, tended to keep romance to a minimum.

_But I'd like that_, Rose thinks to herself. _I could… I could fall in love with Scorpius_.

And she couldn't forget that this would probably be her only chance. _Maybe he's not the person who I'd have chosen to spend forever with, _she thinks to herself. _But forever is a lot shorter now. And he's not a bad guy. _

* * *

"Hi, Scor," she says, pleasantly surprised as he sinks into the seat next to her. "Where's Albus?" There had once been a time when she'd never see Scorpius without his dark-haired shadow – or Albus without his blond one. She suddenly realises that she's been seeing a lot more of Scorpius on his own.

"Quidditch," Scorpius says, pulling a face. "Usually I watch him, but it's raining hippogriffs out there. I like being dry, thank-you very much."

Rose laughs. "I'm almost finished," she says. "Just struggling with this conclusion." She fights the wave of sadness that sweeps over her. Once she would have continued to study long after she'd finished the essay; revising the week's notes and preparing for the distant exams. She no longer did that now; there was no point. She wouldn't be taking her NEWTs.

She does the homework though. She wants it all to be normal for as long as possible. She wants to enjoy Hogwarts, her family, and her friends. Her parents come to take her to other countries – Egypt, Greece, America; they think she should view the world in the little time she has left. She thinks the truth might be that they're looking for a reason to spend more time with her.

"Just rewrite your introduction," Scorpius tells her.

"Huh?" she says. She must have drifted off a little.

"Your conclusion," Scorpius says, nodding at her essay. "You just re-word your introduction. Works every time."

"Really?" Rose says. She thinks about it for a moment. "Hey, that probably would work. Thanks!"

Scorpius smiles, and Rose is suddenly struck by how handsome he is when he looks happy. "No problem," he says. "It's my most useful secret. Feel free to use it in the exams."

She pushes aside the painful reminder of how little time she has left. "Thanks," she says again.

"You…" Scorpius begins, and then pauses. "You have something in your hair." He leans forwards, gently, slowly, hand reaching out to touch her. Her heart begins to flutter wildly, and she prays she doesn't pass out. _This is it, _a voice in her head chants._ This is it_.

She leans forwards and presses her lips to his.

He stiffens and she immediately realises she's made a mistake. He hadn't been meaning to kiss her at all.

She pulls back, blushing furiously. "Sorry," she says quickly. "I'm sorry, I'm really sorry-"

"Rose," he says, interrupting her. "It's fine. It's okay."

"No, I shouldn't have-"

"No, _I'm_ sorry. Really. I think I gave you the wrong impression. It's my fault."

She leaps up. "I have to go," she says, sweeping up her almost-finished essay. "See you around, Scorpius."

She's in such a rush she doesn't notice that she leaves her bag behind.

* * *

Albus looks up from the book he's reading as Scorpius walks into the Room of Requirement, looking dazed and carrying Roses bag. He's in their room – the one the room morphed into the first time they found it. The one they go to when they hang out together, and when they want to escape the world. "Where've you been?" he demands. "Quidditch practice ended over an hour ago." When Scorpius doesn't reply, Albus looks more closely at his friend. "Hey, what's wrong?"

The disconcerted Scorpius blinks as though surprised by the question. "Your cousin kissed me," he tells Albus.

"What?" says Albus, startled. "Rose?"

Scorpius nods. "Just before, in the library."

"And did you… did you…" Albus licks his lips almost nervously. "Did you kiss her back?"

"No," Scorpius says. "I apologised for misleading her, and then she ran off." He holds up the bag. "She left this behind."

"Do you want me to give it to her?" Albus asks.

Scorpius shrugs. "I can, if you won't see her," he says. "It's just…"

"It might be a bit awkward?" Albus suggests.

"Yeah."

"I'm on it," Albus says, taking the bag from Scorpius's grasp. "But… Scor?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't let this get in between you two. I know you think she's a good friend. Don't let that change."

* * *

"Rose!" Albus calls her name, and Rose turns to him reluctantly. To her relief, Scorpius is nowhere to be seen.

She's embarrassed about last night and, most of all, she's resentful. It was supposed to have been her story-book romance – just for a few months. Was it too much to ask that she gets to love one time before she dies?

"You'll need your bag," Albus says, holding out her satchel. Rose plasters a fake smile on her face and thanks him.

"Are you alright?" Albus asks. "Scorpius told me what happened."

"Of course he did," Rose says, her bitterness betrayed in her voice. "Did he tell you I made a complete idiot of myself and he probably hates me now?"

"No," Albus says. "He said you tried to kiss him and he feels bad for giving you the wrong impression."

"I don't need his pity!" Rose exclaims, suddenly furious. "And I don't need yours!" With that, she snatches her bag and stalks off.

"Merlin," Albus breathes, once she's gone from sight. "Talk about testy." He double checks that she really has gone, though; he wouldn't dare say it to her face.

* * *

"I'm worried about Rose," Scorpius says to Albus, one day in the Room of Requirement.

"Hm?" Albus says, not taking his eyes from the page of the book his nose is buried in.

"Rose," Scorpius says. "You know, your cousin?"

"The name rings a bell…"

Scorpius throws a cushion at him. "Stop joking around," he says accusingly. "Haven't you noticed that she's away all the time? And when she is here she always looks pasty and stuff…"

"I asked her a few months ago," Albus says. "She said that she was looking at Wizarding Universities for next year."

Scorpius's brow furrows. "Surely that wouldn't have her being constantly dragged out of school?"

Albus shrugs. "I dunno," he says. "Must be pretty time consuming, though. Why are you so worried?" His question is accusing. It had been a few weeks since the incident in the library, but Albus hasn't forgotten it. In fact, he remembers it much more than he would have liked.

"She's my friend," Scorpius says defensively. "And she's _your _cousin. What if something's really wrong?"

"She's Rose," Albus says, shrugging. "She's always fine. You know her, she's probably just freaking out about schoolwork or something."

Scorpius frowns, but says nothing.

"Are you sure that's what this is really about?" Albus asks Scorpius. "Her being ill? Are you sure you aren't… I don't know… regretting not returning that kiss…?" he waggles his eyebrows.

"Don't be so juvenile," Scorpius says with the smallest of smiles. "I don't like Rose. She's pretty and clever and smart and everything, but that doesn't mean I should fall over myself to kiss her."

"If you say so," Albus says sceptically, returning his nose to his book. "I believe you. Thousands wouldn't."

"I like someone else, alright?" Scorpius says, annoyed by Albus's refusal take him at his word.

That makes the Gryffindor's head shoot up. "Who?" he asks suspiciously.

"None of your business," Scorpius tells him tartly. "Go back to reading your book."

"No, tell me," Albus says, putting his book aside. "You can't say something like that and then not expect me to force it out of you."

"Do your worst."

"Do you _want _me to put veritaserum in your morning pumpkin juice?"

"…Good point."

There's a small pause.

"So who is it.?"

"Still not telling you."

Albus groans in frustration. "Why won't you tell me?" he demands. "I'd tell you!"

"Would you?"

"I would if you threated to spike my drink!"

Scorpius smiles. "I don't think you'd like it," he tells his best friend.

"It's not Lily, is it?" Albus asks. "Because if it is, then you're absolutely right and I _will _have to hex you."

Scorpius laughs. "It's not your sister."

"My brother?"

Scorpius licks his lips nervously. "Closer, but still wrong."

"_Closer?_!" Albus exclaims. "Merlin, way to drop that into the conversation. Uh, is it Hugo?"

"Nope."

"Freddy?"

"He's thirteen!"

"Well you could be a pervert or something…"

Scorpius throws another cushion. "Just drop it, Al," he says, as his friend ducks smoothly. He's had a lot of practice.

"No, I'm really close!" He pauses "Aren't I?"

"No," Scorpius lies.

"Liar." Albus watches his friend closely. Scorpius, who'd been very involved in the conversation a few minutes ago, is suddenly looking bashfully at the ground, toeing the loose carpet as though it's the most interesting thing in the world.

"Scor?" Al asks quietly. Scorpius doesn't look up. "Scor, look at me."

Scorpius keeps his eyes fixed on the floor. Albus reaches out and lightly touches Scorpius's hands which are clenched in his lap. Scorpius jumps and, in doing so, raises his head. Their eyes meet, and Albus sees the fear and anxiety in those grey depths.

"Is it…?" Albus breaths.

Scorpius inclines his head slightly.

Albus doesn't know how it's happening, but they're moving closer and closer, gravitating towards each other like the earth and the moon. Close and closer…

They're interrupted by the noise of the door being pulled open and they leap apart. For a wild moment Albus thinks they're caught; how could they not look guilty after what had almost happened? But when he looks he sees Hugo standing there, holding a grubby bit of parchment with an ashen, devastated look on his face, and Albus knows they have bigger problems.

"You weren't on the map," Hugo croaks. "Thought you must be here."

"What's wrong?" Albus asks.

Hugo's face crumples. "It's Rose."

* * *

She only lasts one more week. Her funeral is the following Tuesday.

After the funeral, Albus cries into Scorpius's shoulder. Apart from that, they don't touch each other.

* * *

"Scorpius," Albus says. "It's been a month. I think we need to talk."

Scorpius doesn't play dumb. He doesn't say, "About what?" He just puts his homework aside and turns to Albus wearily.

"About that day, in the Room of Requirement…" Albus pauses and takes a deep breath. Scorpius waits, but Albus doesn't continue.

"Look, Al," Scor says gently. "I think I know what you're going to say. But… we can't. I can't explain it. We just can't."

"She's dead, Scorpius," Albus says bluntly. "And I get that you feel bad that she liked you, I really do – hell, I feel like shit too. I didn't even notice there was something wrong. But you can't hold onto her forever, just because she's gone."

"I'm not…" But Scorpius can't find the words to finish that sentence.

Albus's tone is gentler when he speaks next. "You didn't reciprocate her feelings, remember," he says gently. "You're acting like the bereaved boyfriend, but you can't forget that you were just friends."

"Don't you see?" Scorpius replies, his voice choked. "That just makes it worse! Do you have any idea how terrible… how guilty… I feel? She was dying, and I basically told her to sod off!"

"You did no such thing," Albus says. "Do you think it would have been better if you'd lied to her?"

"Yes," Scorpius whispers miserably.

"She wouldn't have thanked you."

"She would have been happier."

Albus sighs. "I can't tell you how to feel," he says. "But you can't keep going like this. You have to let her go." He stands up. "Just… think about it."

* * *

He visits her grave. He's been too afraid before; too afraid he'd run into her family. Too afraid her corpse would rise up out of the ground and shout accusations at him.

He can't help the tears as he kneels in front of the granite slab. They drop to the earth and become dew-drops on the blades of grass beneath him. "I'm sorry," he says, over and over again. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

No one answers.

"I didn't know," he tells the rock, as though it can hear him. As though it can forgive him, in lieu of her. "If I had…"

He can't finish that sentence though, because Albus was right on that point. It sounds horrible coming from his mouth. "I'm sorry," he says again.

In response, a warm, sweet-smelling breeze sweeps across the meadow. It caresses his skin the light touch of a thousand feathers.

"I think I love him," he tells the headstone.

The breeze blows again. _Then love him_, it seems to whisper. _Then love him_.

When Scorpius apparates away, it's with a much lighter heart than when he arrived.


End file.
